Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
