Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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