Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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