if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
