WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
