My balls are so social today.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
