Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
