FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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