I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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