i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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