Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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