My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
