I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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