Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
