seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
