I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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