Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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