My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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