Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
third nipple confirmed
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
