mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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