i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
