i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
