Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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