i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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