Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
he's gonorrhea incarnate
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
