So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's never too late to be topless.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
