got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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