***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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