I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
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Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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