I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
