he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
