I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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