In the future we'll all be gay
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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