I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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