were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
