even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
