I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
