Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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