The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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