I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
