so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
