So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
