so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
