just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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