You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
