I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
