and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
