Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
