I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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