from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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