I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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