I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am available for nakedness
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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