it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm at about main and main street
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
