Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
