Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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