when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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