new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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