party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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