I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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